A+B=See your ‘Me’, A+B=See, A+B=C

It’s been while since my last blog, there has been so much resistance inside me. But today, thanks to my wonderful husband giving me some inspiration, I am writing again.

This may not be a long one, but it will be from the heart.

At a time when so much change is around us and the energy feels heavy, it felt difficult to even choose what to write about. There are plenty of experts out there writing articles about the pandemic and the global implications and even though I have strong views that’s not my arena. And neither do I wish to write anything trivial. For me, my passion is health, it’s the most important thing we have in life. Forget success, money, jobs, healthy relationships even, without our health we can’t have any of the above. 

So needless to say, this whole situation has impacted me and my caring nature, my need to protect my loved ones and to help those I can, when they ask. But then at the same time there is this feeling of being helpless, being thrown around and trampled on in the huge machine that runs our world. 

Writing to the local MP for example, temporarily made me feel slightly less helpless, but then to receive a generic reply only deflates me more. Knowing that anyone who wrote on that subject got the same letter back and that more than likely the points of view were not taken into account in any way. I may be wrong but I doubt it judging by the way she voted this particular issue.

My husband is now turning the Tv off when anything controversial comes on because he can sees how it physically affects me. I am thrown into my sympathetic nervous system at speed. He usually has every Tv and radio on, he likes noise, on the sports channel of course, but of late, the news has inevitably taken over. There is no escape from the constant updates. We are even reminded when watching Strictly!

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? 

Yes?

Phew…not alone then…

So what can we do when we feel this level of frustration? When we feel helpless amidst changes that are happening around us, how do we take care of ourselves. There is one clear equation we can turn to and its this simple, a + b = c. 

So how might we apply this to our situation?

If ‘a’ is me, and ‘b’ is the situation at play, then ‘c’ is the total of the relationship, or the total of all interactions between us. That means the total outcome of all of our interactions, emotions and choices is ‘c’.

In algebra, altering just one variable, even if the other remains constant, will change the entire equation. So the good news is that if we change ourselves only, then the outcome will change. This can give us hope and raises our vibration.

Applying this to our present we discover that we can transform ourselves ‘a’ and get a different ‘c’ ,even if ‘b’ never changes! 

As we practice changing the things we can, such as our attitudes and actions, the outcome also shifts, often for the better. Making different choices for ourselves brings the total equation of the situation to a place of serenity that perhaps we never dreamed possible.

Feeling better yet?

Sometimes, like me, we have an innate tendency to take on the role of caretaker and fixer, the nurturing mum constantly on guard in case something awful might happen, the enabling wife, the empath and healer. Then when something as huge as a pandemic for example comes along, what do we do? It is so difficult not to go down the rabbit hole of news, hearing the constant doom and gloom and beginning to feel low, then depressed and for some to a place where people are willing to take their own lives.

We have to find a way to take care of ourselves and this is our true responsibility.

We then begin to see how our caretaking and controlling can actually hurt others, preventing them from having an opportunity to learn themselves we begin to be able to detach with love.

Detaching with love does not mean abandonment. It is detachment not amputation! But it means that we don’t have all the answers or solutions and that we can mind our own business.

This by the way was the topic my husband suggested, ‘detachment’. I slept on that idea last night and this is what I have come up with so far.

Detach with love, does he want to leave me? No I don’t think so! But it does sound a bit like an oxymoron doesn’t it, I mean are we supposed to stop caring?

No. But nor reacting and manipulating. Don’t do x to be liked. Don’t get caught up in someone's problems and ignore your own, leaving yourself with no energy to seek help yourself. Care enough, but not to the detriment of yourself. You are a separate individual, and this knowledge means then being helpful and kind feels wonderful as it is not done in the belief that I can change or control the other person and their outcomes.

Now this change in attitude may come as a surprise to those around you, who are used to you playing the part of the rescuer/fixer or whatever you are known for. And many people dislike change. So when others try to manipulate, and beg you to resume the old role, keep your focus and soon will come the respect, acceptance and freedom that you truly deserve.

Detaching is an opportunity for you to make a choice. For me it means I can focus on the problem with my higher power in tow and see what is before me with fresh, new eyes and thoughts. I can learn to detach from old reactions that a I am programmed to make, reactions that interfere with my peace and serenity and divert me from my primary aim, to continue to grow in a spiritual life of sanity.

Practice makes perfect, develop a technique that works for you, such as in the moment narrative. If you have never meditated then try this technique today, narrate what you’re doing rather than letting the monkey brain run away with itself into the unknown. Saying ,’I am doing the dishes’, or ‘I am brushing my hair’, or  ‘I am walking on the treadmill’ for example. Keep repeating your mantra, it works.

Instead of old patterns coming up which whisk us back to the previous hurts, where the past gets projected onto the present and keeps us in a place of hopelessness. Here it is difficult to make healthy decisions, we must stay present and your narrative can not run away with itself.

When you get lost, do something physical, write in a journal, exercise or work on a project, paint, detach from yourself, the past goes back to where it was and you feel calmer and in the present.

Whilst writing this I was distracted by 2 squirrels in the garden having a fight, a real rough and tumble. I watched them for around 5 minutes, chasing each other around and up and down the trees. I was thinking how simple their life might be. But, the mere fact that I stopped, watched nature and appreciate what is outside my window was a blessing, a peaceful 5 minutes of just watching and appreciating. It was much better for the soul than watching the news.

The journey to self acceptance, of being left with our own thoughts and feelings and being comfortable with yourself is something many of us have to learn. This does not come too us easily, but practise makes it easier.

Eventually we are able to spend time with the wonderful person who is ‘me’! 

Choosing to set boundaries and create wellness for ourselves is our primary responsibility, but it’s not about perfection, so please don’t focus on that. It’s unattainable. Instead be happy with your progress, the small daily changes in attitudes and actions. And remember a + b = c